Walking Papers

•October 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I find it highly amusing that it has rained everyday for the past three days this week. I find it amusing not because there is anything particularly funny about rain in any way shape or form. Rather I find it funny because I had made the decision in my mind that starting this week I was beginning a 90-day challenge in which I would utilize those 90-days to revamp and remake myself physically, spiritually and emotionally.

The day I decide to do this it pours rain that morning. I mean it literally is raining cats and dogs. And when I woke up that morning I had to laugh. I had to laugh because when it rains, what I usually do is go “Oh well I guess I’ll get it done tomorrow.” When it rains I literally don’t feel like doing anything and generally I feel all gloomy and downtrodden.  So when it rained that morning I woke up saying “Oh great…of course it would rain today of all days.”

In the midst of complaining though, something occurred to me and caused me to switch gears on my train of thought. The rain was not occurring because God had decided to go against what it is I had set out to do. No, on the contrary the rain was actually fitting for a few reasons. Rain is always tied in with renewal and revitalization and most importantly cleansing. How fitting would it be that God would bless the beginning of my transformation with a literal symbol of Him pouring His spirit on me and cleaning out the gunk that for so long I had allowed to draw me away from Him and hold me captive. On top of that, my challenge started out with me being challenged to see if I would stick with what I had said I was going to do. So in fact, it was the literal perfect start to my 90 days.

I will admit that I fell victim to the not feeling like doing anything for the first two days. And it almost caught me again today. I woke feeling gloomy down and depressed and all that jazz yet again. And I began for a just a moment to let it sit into my head and marinate into my being. But then I decided enough was enough. I’m not going through this anymore. I am not going to make and take excuses anymore. I am getting out of this come hell or high water because there is a king in me. I am much more than I have become and allowed myself to be. No longer will these negative thoughts behaviors or actions have a place or home inside of me or around me. I am done.

I’m officially handing out walking papers/eviction notices. I’m posting them here in a public place of record so that I can be seen and read by all. They read as follows

Date: Wednesday October 27, 2010


To: The Spirits of Doubt, Fear, Depression, Jealousy, Lust, Low Self-Esteem, Distraction, Lack, Laziness, Procrastination, Past Experiences and any and all other miscellaneous spirits/individuals with malicious and/or negative intent towards me, my dreams, my purpose and/or my relationship with God, my CLP, or family.




So that’s that and I’m only moving forward from here. Now if you’ll excuse me I got some signs to post. Later Y’all.

Stay Crazy My Friends!!!

P.S. For those who need help with the eviction process. a little mood music. Toodles.


Mama’s Gotta a Brand New Path

•October 25, 2010 • Leave a Comment

IIIII’m Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!! Yay!!!!!! Yes, your favorite neighborhood nutjob is back and here to stay my dears. And for the first time in a long time I feel joy in writing. It doesn’t feel like a chore or something I absolutely have to do but something that I love and enjoy doing. I’m almost bursting at the seems because there is so much that I have to say I almost don’t know where to start but I guess the very beginning is always the best place.  You see you have met me at the crossroads of my life and I’ve been redirected, or rather finally allowed myself to be redirected,  into the path I should have been walking all along. However in order to understand just exactly why it’s taken so long for me to get here, you need to see where I’m coming from.

I have been wandering aimlessly in the desert of my life for about 3 years now. In case you are wondering what I mean, it’s simple. I am a 21year old woman who is currently a college dropout and is currently dead broke. I have no job and at this point I have no intention of getting one. I live with my mother and younger brother. I have debt up to my eyeballs and my credit is so FUBAR’d that fixing it would bring me up to the point of bad credit.  It’s so bad that when I attempted to apply for culinary school I couldn’t qualify for a student loan and since I have government lien against me (don’t ask) it makes it hard to get financial aid.  So why am I telling you this? I also want you to heed my warning so that you use me as a cautionary tale and learn from my mistakes.

You see my dears the reason why I am in the position that I am currently in is a very simple one. I don’t listen. I am by far the most stubborn person, correction was the most stubborn person, you would ever have the pleasure of knowing. I tend to want to do things my way before I would be so careful as to heed the words and wisdom of others including my God. I spurned correction and was hell-bent on getting things done my way. I despised discipline and loved to complain whenever I received it. If God told me to go left, I’d ask a million questions and then go right because that’s where I wanted to go in the first place.

im sure He's sighed many a time with me

Because of my stubbornness, I wandered off into places I had no business being (relationships, business opportunities and spiritual dealings etc.) in hopes that I could make my dreams come true. See I knew that my life had purpose and destiny and that I was going to go somewhere. The things is while I was wandering off, I suddenly realized that I didn’t know where I was going or how I was even going to get there. That’s the problem when you take the wheel without getting directions first, you usually just end up lost and wasting a lot of gas going absolutely nowhere fast. And that was me.

In hindsight it was foolish of me to think that I could ever truly be ready for the greatness in store for me or even have a remote chance of discovering my purpose when I still wasn’t submitting to the One who held the keys to my future. How could I expect to receive my grand purpose and have him reveal his grand plan for me when I couldn’t even follow simple instructions on a day-to-day basis. That would be like a civilian, with no training or intent of being trained, being thrust in the middle of war and expected to take home the victory. That doesn’t even happen in Disney movies. Heck even they at least have 5 minute training montage set to song.

yea ...she kicked mongol ass but not without proper training first

My problem was and sometimes still is that I was approaching life the way I had approached school when I was younger. School was always easy. I could not study for a test, be asleep in class and ace the course with flying colors. Sure I would mouth off on occasion and it would result in me getting lower than usual grades but I couldn’t be failed because I aced every test. In the past three years of my life though, I have learned that such is not the case with life or my relationship with the Father for that matter.

I’ve learned that life takes effort. Life takes discipline. Life takes energy. Life takes humility. Life takes courage. And most important of all life takes knowing that you know absolutely nothing. I believe that has been the hardest lesson for me to learn because I’ve always been the “know-it-all”. Admitting that I knew nothing was damn near impossible for me to do.  The thing is I couldn’t learn, grow, know or even move a step closer to my purpose in life until I was able to kill the stubborn side of me so to speak and realize that I didn’t know it all and more importantly I wasn’t anywhere near being ready for it all.

She took a long time to die this one (the “know-it-all”). She’s still hanging in there a little bit but everyday she’s get nearer and nearer to death. And every day that she does I begin to learn more about myself and grow more and do more. And while I may be in the situation that I am in currently, because my purpose has been revealed to me and because I am no longer wandering aimlessly without a sense of direction or focus I can say proudly and confidently that I will not be here forever. I may not be fully ready for everything now but I know that I am becoming more and more equipped to handle what is being asked of me every day. It is only a matter of time before I get to my destination. And when I get there I will humbly let you all know  (I won’t say first b/c there are a couple of people who will know before you but you will definitely be top 5 though).

I am asking you to join me on my journey as I transition from desert wanderer to fulfilling my purpose in the Promised Land. I promise you that this journey will not be easy in the least. There will be bumps in the road. There will be times when it seems like the fight is too much. There will be days of retreat and there will even be a battle lost or two. But I know that with determination and perseverance in my heart and my Lord my God as my guide ordering my steps and directing my path, I will make it. And it is my prayer that because I make it, I wont just be fighting for me but for you and others like you who relate to my story. So here’s to the journey ahead…

Stay Crazy My Friends!!!

P.S. I found this to be rather fitting =)

It’s Been Awhile/ HELP?!?!

•August 2, 2010 • Leave a Comment

What do you write when you have nothing to say and you draw blanks from the air. Well I felt like writing about what I’ve learned from a friend and how he inspired me to get back on this blog thingy but yet I realized something. That desire was stemming from a truly dark place. A place that I have yet to face and keeps rearing it’s ugly head in my choices.  I have accomplished a lot with the grace of He who lives in me and I’m not even close to being where I  need to be yet and yet here I am still doing battle with the one thing that has the potential to be my greatest downfall.Well two actually but they are tied together in this weird creepy bond.  1) Sex and 2) Men.

and yet somehow i'd still go for him. SMH

Why are these two things a potential death trap for me.  Because no matter how hard I try I seem to fail when it comes to getting a grasp on this whole control of the flesh thing. Luckily, unlike times before I have the Father on my side but even then I am doing some serious battle here with not only inner demons but my own self.

put em up puuut em uuup!!

I think I know why this is but what’s killing me is that I genuinely don’t know how to solve this problem and it makes me sad when I truly think of it because I’m reaching the place day by day where I can look in the mirror and love what I see. I can stand proudly before others and declare I know where I am going. Yet inspite of all of this, inspite of the fact that I am walking closer with the Father than I ever had in all my natural life,  I still seek out the wrong men. I have a gift for seeing blaring road flares and warning signals before they truly present themselves in a man.  And what do I do,  I act like every group of sex-crazed teenagers in your modern day slasher flick. I go running into check it out  because the creepy house (or in my case slightly –off limits fellow) just didn’t scream run in the opposite direction you fool loud enough for me to hear.

All it needs is a little paint and maybe a priest. Ok maybe like a church full of priests but still Seriously how bad could it really be?

Now there is an abvious answer as to why it is that I literally run head first into the guy who is off-limits to me in some shape or form, whether  it be by attitude, how they treat me or as my latest fixation will show, in a relationship.  Go ahead and shout out the answer to see if you’ll win a prize.  Ready?? If you guessed daddy issues then you win….nothing. If you guessed anything else then you have obviously never met today’s female population.  Well you see folks the problem is that I am apparently still dealing with issues with my father because well I haven’t really dealt with them yet and never really examined how deep the roots on this sucker really were. And yet every relationship real and imagined fall along the same patterns. If he’s not readily available to me I desperately want him and must have him.  I’ve gotten better as I used to just want him and then secretly pine for him to the point where I couldn’t speak when he was around now I just attempt to flirt until I get what I want but this is still not solving the actual issue which is… well i don’t know. That’s the thing. I don’t know what the issue is. Is it abandonment? Sure he left some umpteen (16 to be exact) years ago but it’s not like I haven’t spoken to the man since. (He calls me to remind me to call him for his birthday and father’s day…smh). How about lying and broken promises? Well yes there were times when the man said he’d be there and he wasn’t but he showed up every now and then and he did visit me in the hospital once and even let me stay a week at his crib when I was trying to sort out what I was going to do with my life.  I must say that he is a semi decent father now as opposed to the prick he was before.  Well  what is it? Am I still seeking approval in the eyes of the man who missed important events and milestones?  Am I still feeling that I am not quite special enough to draw his attention? Or am I  a walking Freudian theory and two shots of tequila away from an bonafide Elektra complex (on second thought scrap that :shudders: ). Well I have no genuine idea anymore.  The only thing I can do is examine the men or  boys that I have been attracted to and hope to work this thing out like some sort of backwards as chinese puzzle.  Because truth be told…I got shit.

He's voting for the Elektra complex

Stay crazy my loves!!

So what you’re saying is… rabbits lay eggs?

•April 3, 2010 • Leave a Comment

So I haven’t written one of these in a while and I know the deal. You don’t write you lose followers and blah blah blah. But to be honest I got bored with it and I get bored very easily but have no fear. I am going to commit to getting at least one of these posts for the depths of my depraved mind up a day, so that you will not be without humor and depravity for extended periods of time. So without further adieu…

This week the kiddies are off from school here and it is of course that time of year when celebrate the Passover and subsequent death of Jesus and the Resurrection of him as a rabbit that steals eggs, paints them and hides them in the grass because he’s part pirate. Wait what???

even i think that's crazy

Exactly where did the rabbit come in? Of course there are many arguments for and against the death of Christ and the catholic church paganizing some of the religion to make it easier for the natives to convert and an assortment of other positions that can be brought up when it comes to the tradition of Easter. But seriously the best these morons could do was a freaking rabbit? Rabbit don’t even lay eggs. So it is with that I began to wonder and rally question the really effed up things that childhood has supposedly taught me and that I will not impart on my children for fear that they will be screwed up in the head like the rest of society.

The first Culprit:

i think Billy Bob Thorton's portrayal is the most honest Santa i have ever seen

The Fat Man

He’s not a sumo wrestler but a rotund jolly bowl full of jelly prick who goes by the alias  Santa Claus. This man has more than enough stories and movies about him that he probably has his own spot in the entertainment section at wal-mart. His holiday is Christmas which again is supposed to be celebrating the “birth” of Christ (he was born in march but that’s for another post). *sidenote* I notice two of the most traumatic offenders happen to share holiday space with the lord and savior of the “free” world.  Back to the fat man. So basically kids are taught that there is this fat guy in an undisclosed location surrounded by midgets, who is essentially stalking you to see if you have been a “good” girl or boy (to catch a predator anyone?) and that if you are he will break into you house on Christmas Eve and leave you a present but not before drinking your milk and eating your cookies. Oh yea not to mention the fact that he drives the noisiest vehicle known to man (upon the rooftop click click click). So not only is he breaking and entering, soliciting and loitering but he is also disturbing you peaceful sugar plum filled slumber.

Next culprit

You wouldn't be as excited if this dude was hiding things in your lawn would you?

Frank the Rabbit a.k.a The Easter Bunny

I don’t know why the idea of a six foot-tall rabbit hopping around leaving eggs everywhere would even appearing like a logical thing to tell your kids. Most of us dear children who have grown up were blessed with enough common sense to know this was complete b.s. I mean where on earth have you ever seen a bunny that lays eggs. Tell you what if you find one there’s 50 bucks in it for you and possible a cover story with national geographic.  So essentially (at least this was my thought process) you had a terrible rogue klepto rabbit who decided he was going to eff with the world and be the first known mammal (sorry mister platypus) to leave eggs for little boys and girls to hunt for in tall grass. This plan would make him the most successful red herring ever as he effectively managed to take everyone’s focus off of the supposed meaning of the holiday he is associated with.

while more plausible, i guess the easter platypus doesn't have the same ring to it

The Tooth- Fairy

now him ill gladly give my teeth to

I can’t even fathom what retard thought that this was a good idea to tell young children. I mean seriously. You have a chick, not just any chick but a fairy who decided it would be a good idea to collect baby teeth for a living. So she comes in at night (I swear these kid’s characters are all felons) and while you’re sleeping collects your baby teeth and leaves money under the pillow, which either makes her the world’s worst thief or some kind of crazy tooth fetishist.

There are number of other offenders, particularly from the storybook world (really snow white?) but to be fair I think they deserve their own post  and plus I think some have explained it far better than I can.

Essentially we were all lied to as a child and then slowly grew up and realized that we were being lied to. Or we were traumatically brought out of said lie by some rash family member (ususually a sibling or twisted cousin).


Either way as parents of the proceeding generation I think we are obligated to our children to break this vicious cycle. Allow our children to dream and be free but don’t intentionally fill their head with thing bull :cough cough: Disney :cough cough:. Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for and I’m pretty sure your kids could pick up on things you didn’t see. Who knows. May be if we do this we won’t have to worry about our children actually being dumber than we are. Then again that would involve changing the education system totally and teaching them to use all parts of the brain and banning them from watching the brain rot on cartoon network (have you seen the shit they play on that channel?). Well that’s it for me loves. Till the next time we meet again. Stay crazy!!!


OMG…I’m Tilikum

•March 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

This story happened a while back but due to a recent resurgence in my love for orcas, known to the rest of the animal kingdom as the “lions of the sea” or “Holy shit that black bullet is gonna kill me, play with my body parts and then eat me” for short.  These “majestic” creatures have taken it upon themselves to stalk my dreams and basically leave my lying awake at night wondering if there is a talking orca in my closet plotting my death with two other funny looking sea creatures. Of course

this does absolutely nothing for my present condition. Never the less though, I figured I’d attempt to learn something about them to find out more about my nighttime visitors.

In my searching I re-watched Free Willy (because apparently 200 times as a kid didn’t quite do the trick), did some research on Wikipedia and just youtube’d the rest.

After my night of “research” and of course reading this story. This is essentially the conclusion I have drawn:
Imagine you’re an animal that has no known naturally occurring predators (other than megalodon but he’s the product of earth in a different time period and scientists over active imaginations). You’re family is the freaking lion pride of the sea. You guys are big boss dogs essentially. Most animals cower in fear at the site of you and you family. That big ass dorsal fin protruding through the water spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e with a capital TROUBLE.

eff jaws. these dudes may not kill humans but they damn sure kill sharks. shark trumps human anyday man

I mean you got relatives that take on great whites!! You got to be pretty badass to take on a shark, a great white shark that is.So you know your badass, other animals know your badass, and you’ve probably heard thousands of badass tales from Uncle Muk Muk (I don’t know any killer whale names for obvious reasons), Aunt Barbara, cousin Joe and not to mention mom and dad.

So one day you see these strange looking fish that you never seen before, and being the bad ass that you are you decide to go and show them whose boss. Turns out these strange fish are freaking boats with nets that have come to capture your bad ass so you can do tricks for the fish you wouldn’t eat on a bad day because your too busy taking out blue whales and great whites and other monstrous sized mammals.

Now you’re in a pool that is the size of a half-empty bucket compared to the freaking ocean and on top of it you’re in that same tank with three other jerk offs who are happy for the fish and a couple gals who they (being the wet-suits) now expect you to impregnate to save your species. And sure, sure you get a good couple of fish a day but in order to get these meals you have to do trick for these stupid little bossy creatures in wet suits. So you’re there dancing and twirling and jumping your life away for fish. FOR FREAKING FISH!!! And each time you eat a little part of you dies and it shows in the bending of your once proud dorsal fin. And so it goes everyday. Eat fish, dance, jump, perform three shows, endure the endless noisy little creatures that bang on your tank, get hugged by the weirdos in wet-suits, get jerked off (if you’re a dude) and have sex with the park slut and repeat.  It’s no wonder you now begin to get a little twitch in you’re massive eye, or play a little too rough with your “trainer”, or even secretly wishing that the dolphins would revolt and start raping and killing the trainers. You are now a slowly brooding 30-foot long, 6-ton psychopath. And that broad has about three more snaps in her before you end her.  And one day she does just that despite seeing that you’re in a bad mood and then you give her a test of her own medicine and you toss her in the air, and make her go under water. Dance puppet dance. Then off course you bring her back to the surface and then the weight of what you have done sets in and the cycle of damage continues. And of course they aren’t going to send you home because your relative by now will either shun you or wait till your not look and give you the blue whale special. So you’re stuck and you eventually die physically but it’s ok because by that time you had already died and your soul was long gone.

It was during this analysis I suddenly realized that I was a freaking orca in captivity. I’m Shamu and Keiko and Tilikum, well not quite Tilikum because that fucker was crazy from the jump (plus when your trainers nickname you Tilly and you’re a dude its only a matter of time my friends before you kill something). I am here captive and I allowed myself to be held so. I’m a star in this world but allow me to go out on my own and I’m whale food.  It’s only a matter of time before I snap. I’m already in a routine, I get fed three square meals, and I do tricks (my mother shows off my skin and cooking and all that jazz).

So I know now why these damn creatures are stalking me. They are my lesson. My animal guides so to speak. Reminding me that I am meant for so much more than this. Reminding me of the sheer creative force and unbelievable power that I have within. I’m in captivity bound not just by circumstances.  My trainers are in fact my emotions I’ve never dealt with and my non-forgiveness of past hurts that seem silly to me now. They are calling me to be free and I believe they will continue to try and eat me and kill me in my dreams until I get the message. When I do then I’ll swim proudly with them and they’ll probably leave me alone.

Boooorn Freeee As Free as the Wiiiind Bloooooows

So with that my loves, I’m going to attempt to release my inner orca (whatever the hell that means) before I kill a bitch or pull a Milton.  Stay Crazy !!!

Ms. Black

maybe im crazy

•March 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

of all the things i’ve lost, i miss my mind the most- Mark Twain

*sidenote…in most music videos if you look past what i tis that you think you’re looking at you’ll see some interesting things. things take on a different appearance once you learn how to look at it

Ready For What Now??

•March 25, 2010 • 2 Comments

Apparently I have the love bug this week, because all my topics seem to be surrounding relationships as of late. Blame those around me and their “blossoming” relationships. Actually it’ll probably work best if you were to blame it on spring, seeing as spring is usually the season of love and all that other jazz.  I wonder why that is? What are all the other months not nubile and fertile enough for it? That’s weather discrimination. I think I should tell Mother Nature to go take it up with the rainbow coalition. :Sigh: If only she weren’t a metaphorical figment of my imagination. I digress though.  So we’re gonna blame this fascination with love (for me anyways) on spring and its pagan fertility rituals and what not.

so many languages and not one of you bastards can define love in a way that makes sense?

I’ve been listening to Ready For love by India Arie (more like belting it in the shower) for the past couple of days and at first I was really feeling this song. I was moved by the words and the lyrics and would turn my head skywards and proudly proclaim with her that I too was ready for love. Of course it wasn’t till I allowed myself to sit and think (actually the tiny voice in my head made me think) while listening to my new self-proclaimed anthem, that I began to wonder. Exactly what does it mean to be ready for love?

Well one would first have to define love first in order to know how to be ready for it. But that’s just the trouble isn’t it? I don’t think anyone in they’re left mind (mirror image world darlings) can accurately describe it and all that it entails. I mean sure people walk around proclaiming it day after day and hallmark certainly does seem to make a killing off of this confusing emotion, but no one has yet to have a clear definition of it.  Some say it is not so much an emotion as a state of mind, others say it being willing to hold someone and yet be willing to let go of them at the same time and others, well others say that you just don’t know it till you know (which personally I think is code for I have no fucking idea).

This is very puzzling as every social medium from the TV to magazines to even the Bible speaks of Love and thus poses quite the problem, because how the heck are you supposed to be ready for this…this thing without knowing what you’re facing or even really dealing with.  You could take the route of knowing what you’re ready for by analysing what you’re not ready for but who has the time brainpower or is that freaking bored to actually sit down and do that.

I guess in the end there is no way to really know when you’re ready to handle this jabberwocky of a thing. I guess when it’s ready for you (or in my case me) it’ll just show up and if you have the courage to accept it and all the ups and downs that come with it, and then you’ll know you’re ready.  Until then though I hear like and lust are pretty popular so you could try them on for size.

don't you just wann take her home to mom...ok maybe not mom but come on she is definetly..."something"

As for me though, I think I’m going to stop proclaiming that I’m ready for it. I’m sure my neighbors and my mother’ll be pretty happy about that.

Till next time my loves, Stay Crazy!!

p.s. it’d be great if you could subscribe if you like what you’re reading. You know so I wouldn’t have to go through the trouble of auto-posting it to my social mediums. Plus it’ll make me look really popular with the other bloggers.

p.p.s I really don’t care about the other bloggers. I just want the ego boost because I really am that shallow. Ciao!!